januar | Super Leather Duster of Doom!

buffyholic went to my DiffEQ class with me yesterday. To pass the time, Katy and I started a fanfic, where we alternated writing sentences. In the end, we got this. I present to you "The Adventures of Spike Man, Issue One".

Once upon a time, there was a magical place called Sunnydale.

There lived a warrior named Spike. Spike fought the forces of darkness with his Super Leather Duster of Doom™. Helping him was a Magical girl named Dawn, who fought her enemies by distracting them with her jailbaity cleavage. Their arch-nemesis was Angel, Overlord of the Nancy Boy Hair Gel.

One day Spike and Dawn decided that, in order to defeat Angel, they had to steal all of his Nancy Boy Hair Gel™ . So they snuck into his fortress, where they encountered a fierce man-eating gunnther. Spike tried to defeat the gunnther with his coat while Dawn dazzled it with her cleavage, but it was all to no avail.

Suddenly, a figure broke through a nearby window and landed between the Dazzling Duo and the gunnther. All Spike and Dawn could see was a blur of blond hair and black fur as the gunnther and the figure fought fiercely for dominance.

Finally the fight was finishe, and they got a good look at their savior. “Hey, what’s up?” She said. The Dazzling Duo were dumbfounded. It was Buffy the Slayer, Warrior Princess.

“Would you like to join us on our mission?” Dawn asked as she leaned over the gunnther. Buffy said, “Sure!” With an almost blinding smile on her face.

“Great!” Said Dawn. Spike glared at the girls but said nothing.

The three of them continued onward, heading down stairs into the dark and damp dungeon.

Meanwhile, Angel sat in his highest tower, laughing as he watched the trio meander through the labyrinth of his dungeon on his security monitors. He turned to his henchwomen, Darla and Dru. “Go get them,” he commanded, “And bring the one in the leather coat to me. Lock the others in the dungeon.”

“You don’t want the blonde?” Darla asked while at the same time Dru clapped her hands and asked gleefully, “Can I torture them? Please?” Angel approached Darla seductively and whispered in her ear. “Why would I want that skinny little thing when I have you?”

Darla shivered at the words and, casting a smoldering gaze over her shoulder, sashayed out of the room. Angel pondered following her for a moment but then called her back into the room.

“Darla, as much as I’d like to play right now, we have more important things to do. Dru? Yes. Torture them all you want. Now go. No wait. Where’s my hair gel?”

Darla, still horny as hell, ran a hand up Angel’s leg, and replied with a smirk, “Where do you want it to be?”

Angel stood firm. With a naughty grin, Darla grabbed the spaced-out Dru by the hand and dragged her out of the room, to the dungeon, leaving a sexually-frustrated Angel behind.

Angel began to search frantically for his hair gel. When he found it, he held it to his chest and sighed with relief.

Back in the dungeon, the group had stopped when they heard the cackling that seemed to be coming from everywhere. “Where is it coming from?” Buffy yelped as she tried to burrow herself into Spike’s coat. Shoving the bint off himself, Spike tried to tune in on the main chord.

“This way,” Spike said when he finally discerned which way the cackling was coming from. He dragged the girls after him, straight into a dead end.

“Well, that did crap,” Dawn said, leaning forward to get a better look at the wall in front of them. A hand reached out of the wall, grabbing Dawn’s . . . tight embrace, and dragged her through.

“Dawnie!” Buffy cried, running toward the wall. She ran headfirst into the wall and fell unconscious. “Bloody hell,” Spike muttered. Still grumbling, he picked up the Slayer and slung her over his shoulder. He turned around and began to wind his way farther into the maze. As he turned the corner, he ran into a beautiful, mysterious-looking woman.

“Hello, my sweet William,” the woman purred, slinking up to him. She placed a long, slender hand on his arm, sending chills up his spine. Spike eyed her suspiciously. “How do you know my name? No one knows that name.”

She giggled, very childlike. “Silly Spike. I know all about you. Every . . . little . . . bit.” She punctuated each word with a walk of fingers up his arm. Spike found himself mesmerized, hovering ever closer to the black beauty before him. He didn’t even notice when Buffy was lifted off his shoulder and carried away.

Licking her lips, Dru placed her hands on Spike’s cheeks, drawing him closer. “Be in me,” she whispered. “Be in . . . me . . .” Spike let her draw him closer until finally their lips met. He felt a surge of electricity flow between them as her hands move from his cheeks to entwine in his hair. He then felt another pair of hands pass over his back.

“Now, now, Dru,” Darla tsked, leaning into Spike’s back. “Didn’t Angel teach you how to share?”

“Please, Darla. Can I keep him? I promise I’ll take good care of him.”

Darla rolled her eyes. “The last pet you kept died, remember?” Dru pouted and whimpered, turning her puppy eyes to Darla. Darla sighed.

“Let’s see what Angel thinks about it,” Darla said, reaching out to caress Dru’s hair.

Dru responded by snuggling into Spike’s chest and whispering, “ My puppy.”

“By the way,” Darla commented as the two ladies led the spell bound Spike back out of the dungeon, “what did you do with the pipsqueak?”

Dru blinked innocently. “I thought you took care of her.”

Darla looked at her fellow partner in crime before hitting her fist against the wall. “Shit.”

“Say you really didn’t like shrimp. You could wish for a world without shrimp…”

Dawn sighed as Anya droned on. Dawn had already tried distracting her with cleavage, but it hadn’t worked. “Um, excuse me,” Dawn interrupted. “Is there a particular reason you grabbed me?”

“Do you need vengeance? Because I’m good at vengeance and you look like the type of person who needs vengeance. I haven’t done vengeance in such a long time. Do you want to make a wish? Do you?”

“Not… really. Oh! Although, Spike and I are trying to defeat this guy, Angel. Mr. Hair Gel. Do you know him?”

“No, I don’t. Are you sure you don’t want to make a wish?”

Dawn rolled her eyes. “Whatever. You want me to make a wish, I’ll make one. I wish that I could find Spike and Buffy and Angel. Together.”

Meanwhile, Angel sat in his bedroom, making sure his hair was perfectly gelled. He heard a knock on the door and opened it to find Spike flanked by Darla and Drusilla. “We brought him, just like you wanted,” Dru mewed, tracing her finger on Spike’s cheek. Darla rolled her eyes as she moved to Angel’s side.

“Now that you have him here, what are you going to do with him?” Darla said, running her fingers under Angel’s shirt and over his stomach. Angel’s eyes ran up and down the warrior’s form.

“Have a little . . . fun.”

Angel grabbed Spike and threw him on the bed. He commanded the girls to leave the room. Suddenly, Buffy appeared from nowhere.

Angel turned to his bitches. “What is that bitch doing here? Dru is supposed to be torturing her!” Dru whimpered and huddled in the corner of the room. “Get her out of here,” Angel commanded.

Darla grabbed Buffy and began to drag her out when Angel stopped her. “No. I’ll take care of her. You take care of Dru.” Leaving Buffy on the floor, Darla led Dru from the room, whispering reassurances in her ear while looking back at Angel with a skeptical look.

Angel grabbed Buffy, who was still disoriented from her trip, and tied her to a chair. “I suppose you can just watch,” Angel sneered, hoping to watch as the horror spread across her face. Instead she clapped her hands and bounced in the chair. “Goody!”

Angel lifted an eyebrow. “Well, well. You’re a little slut, aren’t you?”

Buffy’s eyes widened. “No, I’m not!”

“Then why goody?”

“’Cause I like slash.”

“Fine then,” Angel said as he turned the chair to face away from them. Buffy craned her neck to try to catch a glimpse of them in the vanity mirror as Angel descended on Spike.

“So, Spike,” Angel sheered at his enemy, who lay on the bead glaring up at him, “thought you could get the best of me, did you?”

Angel didn’t wait for an answer before he attacked Spike. Angel kissed and nibbled at Spike’s neck while he struggled to remove Spike’s duster. Suddenly, there was a high-pitched scream.

Spinning around, Angel spotted the Magic Girl, along with some funny-looking woman. “Do you mind?” He asked, getting more and more frustrated.

“Eww,” Dawn said, “Get off him.” Dawn leaned over to hit Angel with her Jailbaity Cleavage, but it didn’t work. Angel then called Darla and Dru into the room.

“Oh! Jailbait Cleavage™!” Dru squealed. She rushed forward to glomp Dawn’s Cleavage. Dawn screamed and attempted to escape, but Dru was too quick for her. Dru tackled Dawn, sending her backwards.

Anya watched the escapades while popping popcorn shrimp into her mouth. “Should have wished for Super Cleavage™.”

Satisfied that everyone else was thoroughly distracted, Angel returned his attention to Spike. He sighed when someone cleared her throat.

“Would you like to join us Darla?” Angel turned and grinned. “I’m sure there’s enough of him to go around.” Darla thought about it a second, looking Spike up and down. “Hmmm . . .”

Darla slinked over to the bed and sat down next to them. She ran her fingers through Spike’s hair. “He needs hair gel.”

At the words ‘hair gel,’ Spike jolted out of the daze he was in. “No!” He hollered. “No Nancy Boy Hair Gel™!” Spike jumped out of the bed, Duster swirling around him.

“Good going, Darla,” Angel complained. He tried to get Dru’s attention, but she was too busy nestling in Dawn’s Jailbaity Cleavage™.

Dawn was in too much shock to notice that Spike had broken out of the spell. She didn’t even notice when Dru started licking her neck. But Spike noticed. He ran over and pulled Dro off his partner in crime-fighting. As soon as he touched Dru, he felt the same surge he had felt in the dungeon.

Caught in the moment, Spike was grabbed by Darla and Angel and dragged back to the bed. Dru, no longer away from the Cleavage, dove back in.

Angel tore Spike’s Duster off and threw it across the room. The duster landed atop Buffy, blocking her view.

Darla ran her hands up under Spike’s shirt. With a sharp tug, she ripped the shirt right down the middle. “Oh, nice,” she cooed. Angel agreed. He stepped around behind Darla and whispered to her. “Tell me what you want to do to him.”

Leaning against Angel, Darla purred, “I want to . . . to . . .” Instead of finishing her statement, she leaned over licked Spike’s chest.

“Very good. Now take off his pants.” Darla positioned herself between Spike’s legs and grabbed the top button of his pants with her teeth. With her very skilled tongue, she undid the button and then pulled down the zipper.

As she was pulling Spike’s pants over his hips, Darla heard Dawn yell, “Get off him, you bitch. Spike! Listen to me! Wake up!”

“Dru, you mind shutting the little girl up?” Darla called over. Soon Dawn’s cries were muffled as Dru covered her mouth with her own.

Anya laughed at the debauchery around her and popped another piece of popcorn shrimp in her mouth. At the laugh, Dawn looked over at Anya with wide eyes, trying to convery her wish through her eyes.

“Nice try, Dawnie,” Anya said. “Only one wish per customer.” Anya then heard a muffled, “I can make a wish,” from under Spike’s Duster.

“Really?” Anya said perkily. She skipped over to the talking Duster. “What is it? Some vengeance on some guy? Shrimp? Some guy made of shrimp?”

“I wish that Darla, Dru, and Angel were all frozen in time long enough that we can get out of here,” said the Duster.

“Good one!” Anya squealed and granted the wish.

Dawn wrenched herself from under Dru and ran over to the bed to get Spike. “Spike!” She shook him. “Snap out of it!”

“Stop shaking me. I heard you the first time.”

“Let’s get out of here.” Spike maneuvered himself out from underneath Darla. The shards of his shirt fell from his shoulders as he stood erect.

“On second thought, you go on without me.”

Dawn glared at him as she took the Duster off Buffy’s head and untied her. “I don’t think so. If you have an issue, have the wish lady take care of it.”

“I don’t think . . . all right, fine. Now get out of here. Get Angel’s hair gel. I’ll . . . we’ll keep them distracted.”

Dawn and Buffy left relunctantly. “So,” Anya said with a glint in her eyes, “how should we ‘take care’ of you?”

“Like this,” Spike said and pushed Anya out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

“5 – 4 – 3- 2 . . .”

“Well?” Anya heard from the other side of the door.

“Well what?”

“Unfreeze them.”

“Sorry, no can do. The wish was that they were frozen so that you could get out of here. Since you’re still here, they won’t unfreeze.”

“Fine. I wish for them to unfreeze.”

“Damn it.” Anya unfroze them and wandered sadly back to the dungeon. “But I wanted to ‘take care of it.’”

Dawn and Buffy were sitting on the steps when Anya walked up. Dawn jumped up, asking, “Where’s Spike? No, he isn’t . . . he is, isn’t he?”

Anya just nodded.

“Damn it! He’s sleeping with the enemy! That’s poor taste!”

“But you have to admit,” Buffy said, “the enemy is pretty yummy.”

THE END

Warning, it's pretty long, seven typed pages. Katy is going to post it in her journal also. Enjoy, or don't enjoy. There may be more in the future.

Comments would be wonderful, btw :)